My sweet little girl was once an infant…it wasn’t even that long ago, and already, I tend to forget this fact.

I pray that I can always remember holding her as a tiny babe…that warm, melting feeling that engulfed my heart as I smelled her sweet skin. Pray that I remember the fear that I felt as I realized the weight of the responsibility of raising her up to be a woman of character, a disciple of Christ. Pray that I remember the realization of my desperation for His guidance, His love, and His patience as we embarked on this journey known as parenthood.

I pray that I can learn to rejoice in each phase she passes through. I pray that I cling to His grace and His example of discipline rather than my own need for control. I pray that I will see her and remember that she is a child, a wee little babe, just as God remembers that I am dust. I pray for an eternal perspective and a release from the lie that I alone am responsible for forming her character. I am just a tool that He has chosen to use in her life…I pray that I submit to His wielding as He carves out beauty in my baby girl.

It is a challenge to be a stay at home wife and mom. Do not hear me wrong, I LOVE what I do. I would not trade my position with anyone. I am so thankful that the Lord has provided the opportunity for me to be at home and also incredibly grateful that my husband works so diligently to provide for us. But even though I cherish my role, it does not come without its struggles. I am not speaking of days filled with screaming children, although those rare days do exhaust me, but rather the struggle of not having any product to show for all of my hard work. In most other professions, at the end of the day, you have something to show for your day’s toil. A meeting attended, a lesson plan executed, a talk written, emails sent…but as a stay at home mom, my product at the end of the day is often a house covered in toys, dog hair, crumbs, and a sink full of dishes.

So I strive to accomplish things. I begin to wash dishes and someone starts to cry. I am faced with a choice: wipe up the tears and hold my child or finish the dishes so I have some visible proof of work that day. I confess that I often try to pacify my child with, “Just a minute, sweetheart,” while I finish the dishes instead of giving them the attention that they desire. I war within myself with letting my children be children and desiring a spotless house free of toddler and baby toys. I crave time to do something that I can present as a job well done.

I have a problem: the idolatry of things that are seen. I want people to see my hard work and to praise me for doing it well. I want to check off my list with relish and watch it shrink each day instead of grow. I want to be praised by man. I want to hold up my head and say, “Look at all I have accomplished.”

This is not my calling however. In 2 Corinthians 4:18 it says, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” I have never sat and meditated on the passages in scripture that refer to fixing our eyes and hopes on things unseen as something that applies to my day to day life of being a wife and mom. I always read those verses and assign a lofty meaning to the phrase “unseen things”–it brings to mind things like salvation, the hope of heaven, evangelism, our rewards to come, etc. But after wisdom shared by another mother, I realize that my days overflow with unseen things. No one sees the child rocked, the books read, the babies fed and the tickles doled out. Human eyes are ignorant of the hours I spend nurturing, disciplining, instructing, discipling, laughing and crying. However, my Savior and my Judge sees it all. I believe He watches in delight and I chase my oldest around and snuggle with the smallest as he falls to sleep. I believe He gently nudges my heart to put down the dishes and to hold the child. He challenges me to patience and grace as I deal with the 35th temper tantrum of the day. He sees my heart, and He sees my hard work.

So, today, I strive to offer up the idol of things seen. I pray instead for the grace to focus on unseen callings and unseen joys. God will never hold me accountable for the cleanliness of my house, but He will ask me if I loved my children well. I hope that through His discipline and His strength, I can one day answer a resounding, “Yes, Lord.”

It’s official.

The temper tantrums are here.  Last week, Chloe spent the majority of her time screaming at the top of her lungs.  Since she is usually a pretty content baby, I was at a loss.  Neither Jeremy or I had any idea what was going on.  She wasn’t running a fever, she had new teeth but they were already cut through, her diaper was clean, she was fed…nothing.

Finally, after a week of being exhausted by ear piercing decibels, I realized that she was simply throwing fits.  And I was amazed.  I know that I shouldn’t have been flabbergasted by our child’s show of anger for many reasons:  1) She is Jeremy and I’s child–neither of us are shy about voicing our feelings on the issues at hand. 2) She has been opinionated since the moment she came out of my belly.  3) She is cut from the same cloth as the entire world, and sin is in her core…but still, I was AMAZED.

Since it is our first major encounter with Chloe needing discipline, Jeremy and I felt a little ill-prepared.  We have read lots of books, and we have talked about our desires, but actually putting them into motion was an entirely different challenge.  What is age appropriate?  What can she understand?  How do we communicate with her?  So, naturally, we polled half of our church about their thoughts on our situation.  The first words out of many of their mouths were, “She is how old? (12 months) Wow, that is a little young to start throwing tantrums, usually they don’t start until month 14 or 15.  That just means that your daughter has a very strong will.”  This tidbit of information was not at all a shock to us; Chloe has clearly had a strong will since month 1.

So, after consulting with others, we formulated our plan of attack:  time outs.  This may seem like a simple concept, but enforcing a time out with a small one is actually a challenge.  We decided that we would follow this format:  1) Tell Chloe, “I am sorry that you are ___ (fill in the blank–angry, sad, desiring a certain thing) right now, but you are not being kind in the way you are showing me.  I am going to put you down until you can calm down and ask me in a kind way. 2)Put baby down (away from anything hard because she throws herself down during tantrums) 3)Walk out of the room for 1 minute.  Sounds easy, right?

What we didn’t account for was how disciplining her would make us feel.  Chloe hates being alone.  Hates it.  You don’t have to even be paying attention to her, but she likes to be in close vicinity to someone at all times.  She plays well by herself, but she wants to see you.  Leaving her in a room for time out makes her incredibly sad and her angry shrieks turn into heartbreaking cries.  Once she realizes that we are no longer in the room watching her fit, she immediately begins to crawl around and look for us…all the while with tears streaming down her face.

When your child cries, everything in you needs to comfort them.  So letting her be sad for 1 minute is extremely difficult for me.  I had to buy a new watch with a timer on it so that I didn’t pick her up after 10 seconds like I wanted to.  It is heart-wrenching to listen to her.  And as soon as the timer goes off, I run to her, pick her up, and comfort her.

As I reflected on the pain that loving our daughter through discipline was causing me, I realized that God must not enjoy disciplining us either.  Even more than me, He knows that discipline is a necessary part of growth, but I don’t believe that He ever revels in doing it.  As I have been reading through Jeremiah this week, my thoughts on this have been reiterated.  Throughout the entire book God rails against Israel and their horrid sin.  But after every proclamation of destruction, God sends Jeremiah to plead with His people to return to Him so that He does not have to pour out His wrath on them.  And much like Chloe, we often don’t listen, and God must discipline us so that we fall back under His protection and plans for us.

I am happy to report that Chloe’s tantrums have decreased from 20 a day to less than 1.  This is a huge blessing to me!  I do know however that she will require discipline for many years to come, and I pray that Jeremy and I will do it in a way that honors God and conveys our love for her.

Believe it or not, there are days, like today, that Chloe is not a perfect angel. Most days, she is a pure joy. But some days, she screams any time you try to put her down. Some days, she doesn’t want to be comforted. Some days, she wants to throw her food on the floor instead of eat it. Some days, she gets so angry that she just sits and yells.

On those days, I remember a few things…

The way that ten tiny fingers feel as they explore your face.
The sound of little baby giggles.
The smell of baby skin.
The joy of dancing around the living room with a baby in your arms.
Smiles that are only for you.
Baby babble.
Sloppy, wet kisses.
Cuddling in the rocking chair.
Shrieks of sheer delight.
Hugs from tiny arms that cling to you.

These things (along with countless others) remind me that this small age is only a season. And there will come a day when Chloe doesn’t want to be held all day. There will come a day when she wants to hang out with friends instead of play with mom. There will be a day when she is all dolled up in make up and a prom dress. And so on days like today, I think, “I am going to miss this.”

Our sweet daughter definitely has a mind of her own. Already. At 5 and 1/2 months. Watch out. It is actually pretty cute at this point because we can still control/distract her by doing some very simple things: bouncing her around, shaking a toy over her, or making silly noises. These tactics also work well with small dogs, but I am not so sure that they will work with a 16 year-old. We will have to come up with some new tricks before then.

The other day while I was sitting in the rocking chair and Chloe was standing on my lap, she decided to express her oh so strong will. She had decided to go somewhere (I have no idea where to) and attempted to do so by hurling herself forward off of my lap. This action would have resulted in her plummeting to the floor and bonking her head, so naturally, I did not let her do it. (see what a good mom I am?) But, my unwillingness to let her go made her slightly angry, and she began to sing her angry song to me (it sounds very much like melodic growl). As she did this, she continued to push forward in attempt to reach her unknown target. And, as she pushed, I continued to pull her back– which, of course, made her sing her angry song even louder. Exasperated, I turned her around, looked her in the eye and said, “If you go that way, you will fall. I will not let you go that way.”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, a ping struck my heart. I have a feeling that this scenario is often what my relationship with God looks like. Chloe did not at that moment trust that I had her best in mind. She was determined that her way was the best way. However, she is still unaware of many simple concepts (like gravity), and as a parent, it is my role and privilege to protect and guide her as she navigates this world. How like her I am. I am often sure that my path is the best path and begin to sing my angry song when God does not jump on board with me. Many times, I am sure that what I desire is NOT best, and is even dangerous, for me. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Ultimately, God always has my best in mind. He is good…unceasingly good, and His desire is always for my best.

I pray that I grow to trust my Father’s heart and submit myself to things that I am too small to understand.

Yesterday as I was bathing Chloe, I realized that she was completely unashamed about being buck-naked in front of me. This may come as no surprise to you (as babies are supposed to love baths), but it struck me and made me think. As I sat there watching her chill in her little tub, I realized that she is completely unabashed about everything with Jeremy and me. She has no qualms in letting us know when she is happy, mad, sad, scared or in need of being held. We are her sole source of everything right now, and she has no fear of us disappointing her or failing to meet her needs. She is completely vulnerable with us and completely trusting.

As I gave thanks for the privilege of getting to meet her needs, I realized that my heavenly Father wants to do the same for me. However, unlike Chloe, I rarely approach Him in full vulnerability. Like Adam and Eve, I try to conceal my nakedness from Him, fearing His response because of my insecurity. How foolish that seems when I think about how I, an imperfect and flawed person, love my daughter! There is nothing she could do that would cause me to turn away from her or to love her less. Yet I often approach God with those fears in the back of my mind. Whereas Chloe rests in our love and depends on it, I attempt to earn God’s grace through my “good” works and dutiful service. I pray that I may learn to come before Him without fear and in full dependence. I pray that I may stand in His grace and love and feel His sheer delight in me. He is good, so much better at love than me and I can stand before him unashamed.

Some very good things in life are just unpleasant.

Example 1: Burping: Whenever I try to burp Chloe early on in a feeding, she throws the biggest fit she can possibly muster at her tiny size. She scrunches up her face, whines, and tries to squirm back down to the original feeding position as quickly as she can. It is both adorable and maddening at the same time! I think she truly believes that I have interrupted her feeding to starve her. No lie. She has no idea that burping is necessary to keep her from a) exploding with milk, b) feeling uncomfortable, and c) getting too full too quickly.

Example 2: The nose bulb: Again, Chloe hates this. Whenever I try to use this tool to get out her surprisingly large boogies, she is sure that I am trying to suck out her brain and acts accordingly–she yells. Again, it is maddening and adorable. She does not believe that I am trying to aid her in the breathing process.

I know that I do the same thing with God’s intervention in my life. Like Chloe, I convince myself that I know best and that if He would just let me continue on my path, life would be much better. In unpleasant situations, I squirm, I plead, I pout, I cry. I wonder how often He looks down on me and laughs at my ridiculous attempts to get things my way. Even when the process is painful, I appreciate His patience and persistence in loving and shaping me.